If you've found this blog I am sure it was more out of curiosity and intrigue than out desire to learn more about me. However, what's written here below is my interpretation of events as they come.
I will start off with one of my favorite quotes: The rain is like brain color and the thunder sounds like something remembering something. - Stan Rice
Gil came back a day earlier so instead of having one day together we had two. It was really nice. His flight leaves Sunday and we have to be at the airport too early in the morning so…..no sleep for me. I will crash after I get back from the airport.
March 9th, 10th Class D license and the following week school starts. So, missing Gil won’t be so terribly bad. Like a band-aid on an ouchie!
P.E. was accomplished on Feb. 22, 2011. It wasn’t what I expected though it was her recommendation that I see a therapist about the things that I was so reluctant to talk about. She seems to think it will help later in life in my career choice. In all honesty she’s probably right. She also seems to think that I’ve always been depressed and that’s why I work so hard at not being sad. Staying chipper and not letting things get to me. I thought that’s what you were suppose to do. I thought that’s what everyone was suppose to do. Not that I do it because of that reason. I just thought it was a good goal to have and so what if I am naturally depressed because of the past crap in my life. Keeping your eye on the horizon can’t be a bad thing.
Pain is apart of my everyday routine just like breakfast. I am afraid if I start monkeying around with all this therapy that I am going to change some of the things I like and others admire about me. I mean who’s to say that some of that bad shit didn’t bloom my strength, endurance, sense of pride, courage! See, that’s the thing. That’s why I don’t try and change people especially people I’ve grown found of. People are who they are. Try and change them and you might just succeed and it will be the one thing you might come to miss the most about them. It can get tricky and I just don’t think I’m that clever.
60th Birthday Party looks to have been a real splash for my Stepmother. She didn’t comment on my dress or my hair in fact I am not even sure she was happy that I came at all. She didn’t introduce me around or give me a hug she simply gave me a pat on the back.
– I’ve been here before with my mother. I know this feeling.
Before we left she went around and took a few snap shot’s. I know I was in at least one of them. I was in the background of the shot she took of my two nieces. However, I doubt it was intended because, when the opportunity arose to take a picture of just my husband and I with my sister-n-law she walked straight through us to get a picture of the people that were just arriving.
If you walked into my fathers home and looked upon the wall’s you would not find me there. In fact there will be no evidence that my father ever had a daughter.
My father was the opposite. He fawned all over me. Told me I looked nice and was very pretty. He even asked me to dance. It was my first time I’d ever danced with my father. I know he still resents me for being so over weight, but I know that he still loves me.
So, what was going to the party really all about? Proving a point to my stepmother and I don’t think it was well received.
Gil is finally home and my whole body feels it. (hee-hee) welcome home sweetheart, I missed you too. Every part of me!
It’s Thursday and Gil comes home from Atlanta tomorrow. Still waiting on my dress to get here from India and it should arrive today. I am excited to see it. I’ve bought a dress from Holyclothing.com before. It was simply beautiful. So, I felt comfortable enough to buy another one.
Now, my hair. I think I will do black with auburn highlights. Right now it’s this chalky black and blue color. Though, I should be grateful that it’s no longer lavender, hey I had the attitude to pull it off! LOL!! Since Gil’s coming home tomorrow I think I will set the appointment for the same day and treat myself to a movie, “The Eagle” Yep, sounds like a plan. So, for today It’s clean the house in anticipation of D&D on Sat.
There are many things we can change about ourselves especially given today’s technology. The one thing we can’t change is our passions. We can pretend to like something or dislike something. However, not “The” thing that boils our blood. What makes the heart leap out of our chest with anticipation. You can act it all out and go through the motions. Yet, it won’t change the truth. It excites you on a level you can’t control. It will eat at you until the want is sated.
Sat. Feb 19th. Stepmother is having her 60th birthday. Dinner and Dance. Wasn’t planning on going, but after being strongly discouraged not to go. I am going. Bought my dress and the little particulates that go with such a dress.
I have a D&D game scheduled for this day as well, but they’ve all agreed to come over and grant me leave for the hour of the party while they have their dinner break. Not much for delivery around here so I will probably cook for them. I am thinking pasta.
I have this P.E. coming up on Feb 24th in regards to the Bariatric Surgery that I will hopefully be approved for. At first I wasn’t nervous about it, but now as the date becomes right around the corner. I can’t help, but to wonder do I really want to volunteer to slide myself under a microscope so someone can scrutinize what I’ve become? I’m not sure I am ready for the questions that will be asked of me. I know I am not ready to talk about a few things and I’ve never talked about other things. So, how much am I expected to expose of myself to gain favor of this 500.00 Psychiatrist?
I came to the conclusion sometime ago that you can lead someone to a door, but you can’t make them open it. You can open the door and shove them in, but they still have a choice. You always have a choice even when you think you’ve been striped of choice or feel the only choice you have is choosing between the lesser of two evils. There’s always a choice. The point of life is to move forward and that’s what choice allows for. When you’re watching life fly past you. You’re simply standing still. I made the choice to move forward. I want to become a healthy, a better wife and woman for myself as well as my Husband. He deserves a lot more that what I’ve given him.
I take responsibility for the ill decisions I made. I may have been driven to the choices, but I have no one to blame, but myself. I think knowing that makes me a better person.
I can’t ever seem to sleep when Gil’s not here. If we didn’t have Netflix I think I’d read or talk to myself more. Not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.
I have found that I have a lot to say and no one to say them too. Not necessarily for any real purpose other than to get them from swimming around in my head like gold fish. So, those into proper grammar and punctuation will be quickly turned away. I do not write to be published. I am simply logging passing thoughts, ideas, inner struggles and experiences. They probably won’t be popular idea’s or opinions, but they will be of my own.